


To the countryside

by NocturneProductions



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Smut, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, It's Light what do you expect?, Light Angst, M/M, Matsuda trying to help his murder boyfriend, Minor Original Character(s), On the Run, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-10-24 02:00:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17695466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NocturneProductions/pseuds/NocturneProductions
Summary: It feels like everyone's worst nightmare was coming true. L was right, Light is Kira.  L saw fit to have him executed, no trial, and kept under wraps. Well, Matsuda isn't going to let him die without a fight, for better or for worst. Because L had to be wrong, anyone could change.Even if Light himself doesn't believe him.





	1. Confinement

 

Even after everything, Matsuda couldn’t believe it. He sighed wearily, pulling up his jacket’s collar in attempt to shield his face from the cold. It was early november, and the temperature was starting to drop to a substantial level. Most of the leaves had already fallen, which made Tokyo feel oddly bare. Matsuda absentmindedly rubbed his hands, as he stared up at the Taskforce headquarters. The building had always been a tad intimidating, but he felt that more than ever now.

After everything, L had been _right_. It made Matsuda sick to his stomach to think about, and indeed, that horrible night he had been unable to control his urge to vomit. That creepy shinigami, the death note, it had happened so quickly that Matsuda had been unable to process it all. It all seemed like a horrible nightmare, the puzzle pieces which finally fit together perfectly like some sort of macabre symphony. Then Light, eyes wide in fear as he tried to resist the grip of Mogi and Aizawa, kicking and screaming.

Light was Kira.

He had been planning to kill L, and what was very likely, all of them as well. Their Light, _his_ Light. The same person that they had known for years, or at least thought they had known. The same person who would bring _Matsuda_ his coffee, instead of the other way around. The same person who he had watched solve cases with a eagerness that rivaled even the most enthusiastic of rookies. He had _known_ Light, hadn’t he? Had there been something that he had missed, something wrong that he failed to notice?

Matsuda entered an empty elevator, shutting his eyes in exhaustion as he rode it up. Admitably, being around L for such a long time had made him forget how dangerous the detective could be. The night before had been a harsh reminder, which felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on him. It was as if ‘Ryuzaki’ had disappeared entirely, and a different person had emerged. Those grey eyes had sharpened, and the detective gave orders as if he had done it his entire life. Then _Light_ , crying out and pleading.

_Please there has to be a mistake! I’m not Kira! I’m not a murderer! Please-_

It was a plea to emotion, something that was so unlike the brunette. It had not affected L at all, but Matsuda had seen the flicker of pain that registered on the faces of everyone else. The evidence had said it all, and Matsuda’s mind was telling him what he knew was the truth. That Light was lying out of desperation. But it could not stop him from wishing, wanting with all of his might for that not to be true. The fear on the younger man’s face made his heart ache.

The elevator stopped with a ding, and Matsuda sucked in a breath, before stepping outside of it. The Taskforce was seated near each other, but they weren’t talking. They all looked much older than they were, Soichiro in particular looked like he hadn't slept in days, the lines on his face sunk deeper into his skin. It was certainly not what Matsuda had thought defeating Kira would entail, not at all the scenario he had imagined in his head. Light should be there celebrating with them, but he wasn’t.

L, as always, seemed unaffected by it all. As if he was far less involved with the case than he was, and he was nothing more than a casual observer. Matsuda nervously adjusted his tie, going over to them. He did not know where Light had been taken yet, but L had mentioned something about solitary confinement. Matsuda tentatively took his seat, and L looked up from his papers.

“Good, you’re finally here.” The detective said. “We were discussing the closure of the case.”

Matsuda butted in before any other Taskforce member could reply. “And Light? Where is he?”

L’s brows furrowed a bit in clear annoyance, but he did not make any comment. Instead, he reached over to a monitor, and turned it towards him. On it, was Light. It reminded Matsuda all too much of the brunette’s 50 day confinement. His hands and feet were handcuffed, and the cell was somehow ever more uncomfortable looking than it had been before. The young man was sitting on the poor excuse of a bed, looking quietly down at his feet.

He looked utterly defeated, and that was what truly got to Matsuda. Even during the 50 horrible days that Light had been trapped in solitary confinement, he had still had some of his spirit. Even through all of the exhaustion he had felt, both physical and mental. Now, Light wasn’t even bothering to move, and his shoulders were hunched like the entire world was bearing its weight down on him. Matsuda felt his heart squeeze despite himself, and L continued to speak.  

“I have been speaking with the United Nations, trying to clean up the mess that Light left behind.” The detective sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. “They do not want Kira’s identity to be known by anyone, not even them. They fear that it would turn Kira into a martyr for the public to worship, and even emulate. This process will take about two weeks to finish, as it looks now.”

Matsuda licked his lips nervously. “And then…?”

L set the cup down. “And then, of course, Light will be executed.”

Matsuda felt his blood run cold. L had shown no emotion as he had said it, there had been not even a single change in his expression. Aizawa looked like a torrent of emotions, and the man’s face shifted, as if he could not decided whether to be hurt or angry. Mogi and Ide were better at concealing whatever it was that they were feeling, but Matsuda could see that Ide was clenching his fist. Soichiro mostly looked ashamed and grief stricken, with bags under his eyes that rivaled L’s.

 

_“No!”_

 

Matsuda’s voice cut through the room, loud and desperate. It jarred even him, and he could barely believe that that voice had been his own. The taskforce was staring at him, their eyes wide. He supposed that it was rather uncharacteristic of him, It had always been Aizawa who fought L tooth and nail. Matsuda had usually always been willing to go along with L’s plans, catching Kira had been too important. But it wasn’t worth this, not _him_.

His words seemed to tumble out of him before he could stop them. “He’s not even going to get a trial?! I know he’s done horrible things, but he doesn’t deserve to _die!_ This is wrong, and you know it!”

The Taskforce looked completely stunned, Soichiro most of all. Matsuda had never directly challenged L on a decision before, at the very least, not when the rest of the taskforce hadn’t agreed with him. He swallowed, feeling the previous confidence he had disappear. L’s eyes were narrowed, clearly showing his irritation.

“Light is too dangerous to keep alive, Matsuda.” He said, with a tone of voice that said that it was perfectly logical. “He could have another death note hidden somewhere, for all we know.”

“What about Misa? So she’ll get to walk free?” Is his retort, and he turned to the taskforce pleadingly. “Guys, we can’t let this happen!”

The Taskforce did not reply to him, not providing any sort of reassurance for him. Instead the men seemed unable to even look at him, looking at the floor or walls with guilty expressions. Matsuda felt his heart sink into the pit of his stomach, unable to believe what he was seeing. Had they given up already, did they not see Light as worth saving?

Matsuda’s voice was quiet. “Guys?”

“If this is so much of a problem for you, you are free to leave.” L replied, his voice hardened.

The young man flinched back, before swallowing. It was clear that the detective had ended the discussion on the matter, and was leaving him with two choices. Either to suck it up and go along with it, or leave the investigation behind entirely. He hated this, he hated every second of it. No matter how much he did though, he knew that he could not leave Light behind with _L_ of all people. Matsuda swallowed, pushing aside the anger that he felt and sitting down.

L seemed content with his answer, letting out a sigh of irritation as his glare relaxed. The detective seemed to decide that the conversation was over, turning back to the files sitting in front of them. Matsuda had no clue what could be on them, but figured that they clearly didn’t involve the rest of the taskforce anyway.  He felt a torrent of emotions, and fought hard to keep them in check. The feeling of betrayal ached through him, but it was overshadowed from the sheer helplessness that he felt.

Soichiro placed a hand on his shoulder, which made him jump in surprise. The man looked tired, no, he looked _exhausted_. Matsuda felt a wave of pity and bitterness all at once, and the young man was shaken by the sheer intensity of it. The chief had been complacent through the ordel, not even fighting what L had said. He had just looked down at Light with a encapsulating look of disappointment, mixed with grief for his son who was not yet dead.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it Matsuda, but this is for the best.” The words are gentle, but they _hurt_. They hurt more than anything. “I would rather my son pass on, than for him to live the rest of his life as a murderer.”

Matsuda wanted to scream in his face then, that that wasn’t for _him_ to decide. He looked away from the older man, pushing down the frustration that was building up inside of him. This wasn’t how things were supposed to end, L was supposed to be proven wrong. The real Kira would have been someone else, _anyone_ else. Aizawa for once didn’t seem irritated with him, instead having a sympathetic look on his face. The detective placed a comforting hand on his back, but to Matsuda is felt like it was burning him.

“We’re staying here until… that happens. We want to keep an eye on him, make sure L doesn’t use the opportunity to mistreat him.” The aforementioned detective rolled his eyes when Aizawa said that, but was pointedly ignored. “We haven’t abandoned him, Matsuda.”

Matsuda swallowed down what he wanted to say, what he was going to say. He lifted his gaze, looking into the monitor.  

 

_You already have._

 

<>

 

Matsuda walked down the hallway, carefully carrying the tray in his hands. On it was Light’s meal. He hadn’t been the one to pick it, he was pretty sure that the brunette hadn’t been the one to pick it either. It was a simple dish of soup and rice, with a small dish of fruit. There was no coffee either, which Matsuda was sure that Light was probably dying for. Perhaps he would sneak a cup to him, later.

It was hard to think about that sort of thing right now though, not when he hadn’t even seen Light in person yet. His heart was thudding in his chest, and his hands felt clammy. The tray that he was holding was jittering a bit from the sheer shakiness of them, and he tried to force himself to stay calm.

Light’s cell was in the basement, tucked away from the rest of the building. Matsuda supposed it was a psychological thing, another kick in the shin to remind Light constantly of how alone he was. He respected L, and the work he did. He had to admit though, the man was truly diabolical sometimes. He had thought that the 50 day confinement had been awful, but this was much worse. At least then, there had been a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, there was nothing for the young man to look forward to, nothing to keep his hopes up.

Matsuda stopped in front of the cell door, taking in a breath. He was scared of what was behind that door, of what could transpire if he entered. He didn’t want Light to hate him, for him to think that he had any part in deciding his punishment. That would be very difficult to do though, and if the brunette was angry regardless he honestly wouldn’t be able to blame him. Matsuda swallowed, swiping his keycard and unlocking the door.

The first thing he saw was Light, who was in the same hunched over position that he had seen him in on the camera. He somehow looked even more miserable in real life, which hadn’t seemed possible. Matsuda felt a little nauseous, but pushed it down. Despite what he knew, it still hurt to see him like this. This was a person that he had known for _years_ , since he had started his career as a member of the NPA.

Matsuda coughed awkwardly. “Light? I have your lunch.”

Light jerked his head up. “Matsuda?”

“Hi.” He smiled weakly, setting down the tray.

Light had probably been expecting someone else, he realized. Watari had been the one to bring Light his meals and take him to the showers during the long period of solitary confinement, so seeing a member of the taskforce do it must have been jarring. Matsuda had to admit that he was surprised that L agreed to let him do this, but figured a large part of it was that the detective didn’t want to deal with Matsuda’s complaining the rest of the two weeks.

Two weeks. That wasn’t long at all. It seemed that that amount of time passed in a blink of eye to him now, even months passed by much faster than they used to. He could simply shut his eyes, and when he opened them again Light would just be… gone. In his place would be a cold and empty spot that could never be filled, a shameful memory for the taskforce to never speak of again. Except for the occasional hushed whisper, and averted gaze. Politeness, you know. Hurts less if you don’t talk about it.

Light reached forward, picking up the bowl with his nimble hands. It was clearly difficult with his wrists cuffed together, but he managed. Of course, being Light, he managed to make it look elegant as well. The brunette ate a few small spoonfuls of soup, before setting it down. He looked at Matsuda with a contemplative expression, looking like he was trying to find something to say. He shifted a bit to make himself more comfortable, curling up his legs.

“So, has dad um, said anything?” He asked, looking tentative. “He hasn’t spoken to me since…”

Matsuda scrambled to find his wording. “Oh, yeah! But it hasn’t exactly been... nice, so you probably don’t want to hear it.’

“Tell me, I want to know.” Light said.

For a moment, the young detective struggled to decipher his expression. It wasn’t particularly positive or negative; there was no hopeful look on his face, but it wasn’t despairing either. There was a tiredness that tugged at his eyes, a slight barely noticeable frown. Somehow it didn’t look sad, but Matsuda didn’t understand _why_. He looked at Light’s expectant eyes, and it suddenly hit him.

 

Resigned.

 

That had been the word he was looking for. When hearing of his father’s potential words, Light had expected it. The brunette knew Soichiro much more than he did, obviously. He much have known that Soichiro would have reacted poorly to something like this, and had braced himself for anything that was thrown at him. It made Matsuda’s heart ache to see that, cutting him deeply. Light’s last days would be in this cell, waiting for his impending doom without a speck of comfort.

“Soichiro-san… um…” He struggled to even say it. “He said that he would rather have you die as you are now, than to have to live as a murderer.”

Light seemed to process those words, tilting his head back.“I guess he’s trying to protect me, in his own way.” He frowned deeply then, meeting Matsuda’s eyes. “But he’s wrong.”

Matsuda didn’t have anything to say to that. He was sure he looked pretty stupid then, gaping at Light in shock. He couldn’t help it though, he had never heard the young man renounce his father like that before. He always seemed to echo everything that he said. If Soichiro was outraged, then Light was outraged. If Soichiro thought something was just, then Light thought the same. It hadn’t really occurred to him that that was a little unusual, the family dynamic of the Yagami’s compared to his own was a whole other world.

Light leaned forward, continuing to speak. “I’m not Kira! I know that I’m not! I know it looks bad, but this has to have been some kind of setup.” His eyes, wide and pleading, stared up at him. “You believe me, right?”

Matsuda found himself nodding before he even knew what he was doing. “O-Of course I do!”

He cringed internally, knowing that he should have kept his mouth shut. Now there was no way that he wasn’t going to be berated when he came back to the rest of the taskforce. Plus he did admittedly still have his doubts, even if he couldn’t bear to tell Light that. Yet those thoughts went quiet from the look that Light gave him then, pushed back to the very edges of his mind. He looked so _relieved_ , looking up at him with more joy than Matsuda deserved.

“Thank you.”

The words were quiet, but genuine. Matsuda felt a fresh wave of nervousness as Light reached over to the tray, and tried his best find somewhere else to look. It felt creepy to just stare a Light as he ate, even though he probably wouldn’t mind doing that, admittedly. That just made it even worse though. The young detective heard soft rustles, the click of the glass of water. He struggled to think of what to say, it just didn’t seem right to beat Light over the head with the fact of his execution. L probably did that more than enough.

“So…” Matsuda started, licking his lips. “Do you watch baseball at all?”

Light paused in his eating. “I’m not an avid fan, I do watch it sometimes though. It’s pretty enjoyable.”

“We should go to a game sometime, the food there is the best.” Matsuda replied, smiling.

Light paused, looking contemplative for a moment before slowly nodding. It was a small semblance of normalcy, like the months and month of chaos that happened before then had never happened. It was the only comfort that Matsuda could think to give him at the moment, and probably the only thing that he could. It wasn’t as if he could simply walk Light out of that cell, not with L’s everpresent looming eyes.

It seemed to work at least a little though, even if the idea behind it wasn’t very logical. Light appeared to at least appreciate the sentiment behind it, that somehow he would get out of this and be able to experience that, even if all the real world evidence pointed to the contrary. If he were as smart as Light or L, he would probably be able to give Light a genius method to somehow make everything better.

He wasn’t smart though, not even compared to his coworkers. Next to Light or L, he was barely more than a fleck of dust. So his gut was all he had to go by, and it had never led him astray before. It was the only thing he could trust about himself, after all. Even if it wasn’t logical, or sometimes it made him do things that weren’t the objectively best way. He’d almost gotten himself killed because he acted on a hunch, at least it led to him contributing in some shape or form.

It was like L and Light were above them all, somewhere far away. Whenever Matsuda thought of something, it was as if the two of them had already thought of it months beforehand. The two of them were in their own little world, working on the case together. It was as if the rest of the Taskforce was just set dressing, a meaningless part of the background. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like to be in their heads, always trying to think of a way to one-up the other. It must be exhausting to live like that, at least he thought it would be.

Light finished his meal, setting down the bowl and sucking in a breath. “I...I figure I’m going to be executed. Did L tell you when?”

Matsuda felt his stomach drop as Light said it. Of course it made sense that he knew, but the implication that he hadn’t been actually told made him feel sick to his stomach. He had been trapped in this cell, not even knowing when he was supposed to die. It wasn’t at all out of character for L to be needlessly cruel though. Perhaps it was a way to make Light suffer a bit more, as a way to get petty revenge. Which to him seemed stupid and unnecessary, Light was already _caught_ , what was the point?

“Two weeks.” The words feel gross and wrong to even say.

Light’s face went a little pale, and he swallowed out of clear anxiousness. He looked sick now, and looked down at the floor. The brunette clearly hadn’t been ready to hear that, but Matsuda knew that no one would be. Two weeks really wasn’t long at all, once they were all the time you had left. The days must blur together down here, with no windows or any semblance of passage of time, apart from his meals.

He really didn’t want to push Light any more than he already has. From the looks of it, the young man would probably want to be left alone right now, so he could try his best to process everything. Matsuda let out a weary breath through his nose, quietly picking up the dishes. Light did not look up, and his hair covered his face as he hung his head. He felt heavy looking at that sight, and shook involuntarily as he turned to leave. Light’s voice cut through the thick silence.

“Matsuda?”

He paused in his steps, and felt like he was struggling to breathe. “Yeah?”

“I’m scared.” he replied, voice quiet and so _vulnerable_ sounding.

Matsuda felt like he was going to throw up, he’s going to throw up. He can taste the bile at the back of his throat, and his breath hitched. His shoulders rose up and he shook, staring down at the floor. He can’t look at Light now, he cannot even look in the direction of where Light is. It had been a horrible reminder, a slap in the face that he couldn’t ignore. God, Light was still just a _kid_. He was only barely an adult, who hadn’t gotten the opportunity to truly experience life yet.

It had been easy forget on the case, when Light’s mind soared above his own. The way that Light always seemed to take control of the situation, even when he was chained to the man who would eventually call for his execution. Now, with the way his voice sounded so small, it brought him back to that reality. Matsuda felt like he had whiplash from the sheer force of it, and clenched his hands onto the tray to keep them from shaking.

Light would never see the sun again. He wouldn’t get to get the job he had wanted since Matsuda first met him. He would never work on another case. He wouldn’t get to graduate from college, and celebrate another new year with his family. Matsuda could not bear to look at him, taking shallow breaths. Light’s life was over before it even began, it had been stolen away from him.

“I know.” Matsuda replied, his voice hoarse.

It was all he could bring himself to say. Guilt, dark and heavy threatened to push him though the floor, deeper and deeper into the bowels. Light does not reply, but he does not need to. Matsuda gathered whatever will he had left, and walked out of the cell.

 

<>

 

Light lifted up his head, letting out a sigh of air. His shoulders dropped from their hunched position, and he leaned comfortably against the bed. There was nothing of luxury in the damn cell, it was just completely barren apart from the necessities. He was pretty sure that L hadn’t even wanted to give him that, the detective probably would have been fine with him being in a tiny room with absolutely nothing inside it. He would probably enjoy watching him slowly starve to death. Bastard.

His plans had been laid out so carefully, and had taken months of preparation. This whole thing wouldn’t have had to happen in the first place if Misa hadn’t decided to pretend that he was her ‘one true love’. Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the thought; he wasn’t sure where she was now. Probably off in Tokyo, or wherever that damn shinigami had taken her. He had tried to clean up her mess, and had gotten so close to victory, before she inadvertently put the final nail in his coffin.

He seriously hadn’t been expecting for the shinigami to betray him, it hadn’t even registered as a possibility. Her love of Misa was too strong for that, but it was that which seemed to have screwed him over. Rem had gone to the Taskforce, with the audacity of doing it while he was in the room, and exposing _everything_. Him removing his memories temporarily, how he had planned on killing L. All of that in exchange for Misa’s pathetic life.

The shinigami was clearly delusional, she had seen the lengths that Misa had gone through to keep her illusion of a perfect relationship, hadn’t it? Did she not realize that Misa would go hysterical if he was dead? Perhaps Rem thought the tradeoff would be worth it, that Misa would forgive her. He seriously doubted that, the girl just couldn’t let things go. Even if everyone screamed at her to move on, she would still cling on for dear life.

He glared up at the camera through his bangs, quietly hoping that L would notice. He _wanted_ the bastard to know just how much he hated him. The Humiliation that Light felt was even deeper than it was during the 50 days he was confined, at least then he held with absolute certainty that he would make it out of there. Now, all he was faced with was his own crippling defeat, which L had no problem flaunting him with every chance he got.

Light had known, of course, that he was going to be faced with execution. L has said it plainly before the two of them had even met, and he doubted that the detective  planned on going back on his word. He didn’t know if it was going to be public or not, he certainly hoped it wouldn’t be. L certainly did love being a hypocrite, and it was almost funny up to a point. He had denounced Kira for taking justice in his own hands, when in the end he was going to be doing the same exact thing.

 

Two weeks.

 

That wasn’t very much time to work with, it was hardly anything at all. It was certainly much sooner than he had anticipated. He couldn’t deny the fear that had rushed up inside of him when Matsuda had told him that, and his life had flashed before his eyes well before it was even over. It was all over for him, he had thought. There was no way he could do anything in that little amount of time, L got him, he had won. He had not felt such fear in a long, long time.

Light shifted his position, hanging his head down so the camera was unable to see his face. Manipulating a member of the taskforce to help him was his only option, there was simply nothing else that he could do. So, much like a predator, he poked and prodded for any weaknesses that he could find. His father, of course, had been the most obvious choice. The man had yet to even speak with him, however.

Light resisted the urge to growl in frustration, it would be so easy if he could go that route. The man did have a unwavering sense of justice, but he was family. So, it wouldn’t be particularly difficult for him to slip past his defenses. However, Soichiro seemed to have realized this. It would certainly explain why he hadn’t seen the man’s face since he had been caught. His father was smarter than he gave him credit for, he would give the man that.

His next Idea had been Aizawa, he had known the man since he was a child after all. However, he had discarded that Idea rather quickly.He had been the most fierce out of all of them when he was discovered, and had put the handcuffs on him himself. Aizawa had spoken to him over the microphone, but it was very curt, as if he was trapped in a meeting that he did not want to be in, and was waiting for it to be over. It certainly did not give him enough time ‘away’ from L, either. Every other member he simply did not have enough of a personal relationship with, so he had almost gotten rid of the plan entirely. 

Matsuda.

That, admittedly, had not been an option that Light had considered. The man was laughably forgettable, and half the time he had forgotten that he was even there. The only truly notable thing about him, had been the flamboyant way that he had gotten himself caught and nearly killed by Yotsuba. He honestly did not know how he had been able to stand him, when he had been handcuffed to L.

He was nothing if not adaptive, though. So he had tested the waters, he had poked and prodded at the man to see what results he could get. Matsuda had been more than willing to give him information, and had been shockingly willing to believe him. He was certainly a man of emotion, and not mind. Seeing the way that he had reacted to Light though, the conclusion came to him rather quickly.

Cute, stupid little Matsuda had a crush. He had resisted the urge to burst into laughter when he realized it, and even now he had the urge to snicker. It certainly gave all of his past interactions with the man a little more perspective. He wondered if Matsuda was aware of his feelings, and had hidden them due to Soichiro’s potential disapproval, or if he was unaware of them in the first place. The young detective had made it fairly obvious though, so he had no doubt that L was aware of it. He was always watching the camera when someone else was in the room.

Matsuda had blushed and fidgeted throughout their entire interaction, his eyes darting around the room to anywhere but his direction. It had been rather amusing to watch from the corner of his eye while he ate, and at least with Misa gone it made it much less of a nuisance. So, Light played along. He acted vulnerable and helpless, and just as expected Matsuda rose up to the opportunity to ‘protect’ him. Slightly tearful eyes, and a small show of weakness, and the man had turned into putty in his hands. A small snort managed to escape him, it was almost _too_ easy.

The crackle of a microphone interrupted his thoughts, and L’s voice entered the room. “Light-kun, are you feeling alright?”

“Hm? Oh, I’m fine.” Light looked up, smiling at the camera. Matsuda had to be watching as well, after all. “Don’t worry about me.”

With Matsuda, there was an opportunity. Poor lonely little thing, not quite making up in his enthusiasm for what he lacks in experience. Give him two kind words, and he’s yours forever. He looked back down, staring intently at the lines of the floor. Little by little, he was finding himself pulling within striking distance. A smirk, dark and the type of smile he never dared to show around other people, slowly grew on his face. Because L didn’t know it, but he had gotten a leg up.

 

He had found the limp in the herd.


	2. A plan is put forth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matsuda does actually think about it that way

The words that Light said to him stayed stuck in his brain, almost like a cancer. It was a rather negative way to describe it, but it was true. Matsuda had become Light’s primary ‘caregiver’, even if it felt weird to call it that. The others rarely gave Light his meals, or escorted him to the showers anymore. Of course, Matsuda really doubted that it was for any sort of benevolent reason from L. He was all too aware that his presence was an annoyance to him, and the rest of the Taskforce at that matter.

More than that, he was just ‘stupid Matsuda’. The rookie cop that had no clue what he was doing, the idiot that got himself in trouble. Because of his idiocy, he was perfectly harmless. He couldn’t deny that it hurt, it hurt a lot. He always saw the slight grimaces his coworkers wore when he walked into the room, before being hidden by a mask of indifference. He had thought that he at least had _something_ going for him since Soichiro had taken him in, judging how his coworkers treated him though, maybe it had just been out of pity.

Light had teased him too, of course. It had felt different though, for some reason that he hadn’t been able to put into words. None of it had ever seemed _malicious_ , he supposed. He remembered the amused breath that had left Light’s lips, ‘well, that is his specialty’, and the playful way his eyes had glimmered. Had Light realized what he had done by calling him and L in the middle of their fight, or had the brunette simply assumed that it was another one of his antics?  

Well, he hoped it was the former. He had been rather offended at the time, but when he came home, it turned into a whole different feeling altogether. It was never Misa’s name on his lips, nor any of his female coworkers from before his time on the case. It was Light, the soft pinkness of his lips, the bit of skin that would show underneath the bottom of his shirt when he would stretch. He had chanted his name ‘Light, Light, Light’, before he came into his hand with a shudder.

The younger man was beautiful, there was no question about that. It was obvious that Light knew it too, with how charming he always was. He had contemplated telling Light how he felt, but that idea had been dashed as soon as he saw Misa hugging his arm with that adoring expression she always seemed to have. Maybe it was for the best too, after all there was no telling how the chief would have reacted. Besides, he hadn’t even known if Light was attracted to men or not. Maybe, he had thought, maybe after the case is over.

Well, that opportunity was gone now. He had told himself to not get attached, that what was going to happen to Light was unavoidable. Yet every time he came down to visit, it became more and more difficult to tell himself that. Light would eat his meal, and the two of them would talk about inconsequential things. Sometimes, Light would reassure him in a calming voice, telling him not to worry. As if _Matsuda_ was the one that needed to be comforted.

He wasn’t sure how the younger man managed to stay so collected through all of this. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t scared, he was able to see the way that his lips would purse, and his eyebrows would furrow in worry. Once, he had managed to convince L to let him bring Light coffee. Light looked so happy them, his expression turning into an angelic smile as he thanked him. Matsuda had been flustered, and he had grabbed the mug to hand it to Light.

 

Light had touched his hand.

 

It hadn’t been for long, definitely not more than a couple of seconds. Light had reached to grab it, before laying his hand on top of his. Matsuda had been frozen, and Light’s touch had lingered, if only for a moment. Then all too quickly, he pulled away, taking a sip from his coffee and not mentioning it. It had obviously been deliberate, but kept brief so that L wouldn’t notice it. Matsuda’s hand had tingled afterwards, and even now that moment was still all that he could think about.

He sat on his chair, gently rubbing his hand as he gazed down at it. He still had butterflies in his stomach, despite himself. He looked up, squinting his eyes at L’s surveillance monitor. Light’s cell, as well as the hallways around it had security cameras. Almost every room in the building did, except for the showers. Matsuda remembered something about it from when Light had first volunteered to be confined. L had wanted it to have a camera in it, just like every other room.

The Taskforce had pushed back, insisting that it would serve no other purpose than to be humiliating to him.  Eventually, L had caved, but only somewhat. There were no cameras there, but the detective had still planted a bug or two inside of the room. Reassuring them that it was ‘just in case’. An idea so profound began to form inside of his head, and he fiddled with his hands as he mulled it over.

It was crazy, he knew that it was crazy. It was very, very illegal too, but then again, what part of the investigation hadn’t been? Yet once the thought had been planted in his head, it refused to leave, like it was some sort of parasite. It gave him a chance, though. And a chance was all he could ask for right now, it was certainly more than he had at the moment.

He wasn’t Light or L, he wasn’t a master of creating complex plans. But now, now he had a start. Light would help him with everything else though, he knew it. The brunette was passionate, he wouldn’t just accept his fate. Even so, their time had been reduced to only a week, that was hardly any time to work with. They would have to move quickly, and if they messed up Light was… Matsuda clenched his eyes shut, they would make it out of this, somehow.

“Matsuda-san.” L said, making him look up.

The detective looked a little annoyed, but didn’t make any comment. “It is time for Light’s shower, please escort him.”

Matsuda felt a surge of anticipation that he struggled to push down, masking it with a dutiful nod and standing up. As he got closer to Light’s cell, his hands felt more and more clammy. He hadn’t even _done_ anything yet, but he still felt nervous. He reached up with his keycard, his hand shaking a bit, and swiped it down. The cell door unlocked with a click, and Matsuda pushed it open. Light noticeably perked up as soon as he saw him.

“Matsuda, good morning.” He said, smiling that sweet smile that made his eyes crinkle.

God, he was so fucked.

Matsuda smiled back, replying. “It’s time for your shower, and I’ll be bringing you your breakfast later.”

Light stood up, which was obviously a bit more difficult with the handcuffs on his ankles. He stretched as much as he could, before shuffling over to Matsuda. He still looked elegant somehow, even with all of those chains holding him down. As he shut the door behind them, he struggled to think of what he was going to say, biting his lip nervously. Light seemed to notice his quiet demeanor, of course he did. He always managed to be so _aware_ of everything that went on around him.

“Are you okay?” He asked carefully, voice laced with concern.

Matsuda hesitated, eventually replying. “I will be.”

Light didn’t answer that, but his eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes looked slightly downwards. The expression he had when he was thinking deeply about something. Not that Matsuda could even begin to imagine what went on inside of a mind like that half the time. He watched the younger man from the corner of his eye, and felt himself frown. Light had been able to hold himself up remarkably well, but it was obvious that the solitary confinement was taking its toll.

There were bags that were starting to form underneath his eyes, showing his exhaustion. His hair had grown longer, almost reaching his shoulders. His skin was paler too, from the lack of sun, Matsuda noted with some guilt. Even with Light’s slower walking speed, it seemed as if they had reached the showers all too quickly. Matsuda unlocked the door to allow Light inside, and hesitated, with his hand still on the door frame.

This would be the part where he would wait outside for Light to be finished, leaving himself alone with his thoughts. He still could, he could abandon the plan, and let things continue on as they should. Yet even considering that made him have a sick feeling in his gut, Light needed him. He knew now, he had won the internal battle that had waged inside of himself. He wouldn’t let Light die, not like this. Not strapped to a cold table, and poisoned until he was unable to draw breath. Matsuda took in a deep breath to calm his nerves, and followed Light to the showers, closing the door behind him.

Light was already in the middle of removing his shirt, and looked alarmed, opening his mouth to speak. Matsuda rose his hand up to stop him, and used his other to press his finger against his lips in a ‘shush’ gesture. Light looked cautious, but complied, looking at him with some degree of suspicion. It stung a bit, but Matsuda couldn’t blame him. This _was_ rather unconventional. He pointed to the shower tap, and Light carefully reached for it, turning it all of the way on.

The water began to pour down, loud and drowning out any other noise. Perfect. Matsuda sucked in a breath, preparing himself for what he was going to say. He couldn’t accuse Light of being Kira, that would get him nowhere. Light had probably already heard it a million times from L, and he didn’t want to break whatever fragile trust the younger man had in him. He swallowed nervously, leaning carefully closer to the brunette.

“There aren’t cameras in here, but there _are_ bugs. They shouldn’t be able to pick up our conversation, as long as we keep our voices down.” Matsuda started, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

Light looked alarmed, but Matsuda had clearly gotten his attention. He did not reply, clearly waiting for him to say more. Matsuda swallowed, there was truly no going back now. He steeled himself, he had made his decision a long time ago, he just hadn’t realized it yet. L be damned, he wouldn’t be scared off.

“Light, I know that you must be wary of me since I’m part of the Taskforce, but I want you to know…” Matsuda paused, sucking in a break from nervousness, “I- I want to help you, okay?”

Light appeared frozen, apart from the widening of his eyes. Then, his eyes narrowed. It looked so much like his expression when he and L were scheming during the case, somehow both cooperating and competing with each other at the same time. It looked dangerous, and Matsuda was unable to resist the urge to shiver.  It was crazy how expressive Light’s face could be, when he was handcuffed to L his face had been bright, clearing showing his youth. Now though, his eyes almost looked red, though it must have been a trick of the light.

“You want to… break me out of here?” Light asked cautiously, prodding as if he was surrounded by sharks.

Matsuda replied with a resolute expression. “Yes, and keep L off of our tracks, ideally.”

“He wouldn’t stop chasing us.” Light replied, frowning deeply. “Not if he knew that I was alive.”

Matsuda nervously wrung his hands. “I had thought of a few ideas, but they’re dangerous, obviously. My main one was to start a fire…”

Light looked contemplative, which he supposed was the best he could have hoped for. Usually, most of his ideas were trashed without a second thought, more often than not paired with a cry of ‘Matsuda you idiot!’. He tried not to take it personally, after all, he was the rookie of the group. It didn’t stop it from hurting sometimes, though. Then, Light’s eyes brightened in realization, and he looked back up.

“You can’t use gasoline, or anything similar, it would make the fact that it was an arson painfully obvious.” Light started, keeping his voice low. “However, you could start an electrical fire, which could be attributed to faulty wiring.”

Matsuda had no idea how to do that, if he was being honest. He had never even seen a breaker box, let alone how to frame faulty wiring. It was a good idea though, as it would also deal with the surveillance cameras that were everywhere. He was nervous that L would catch on though, the man had a way of getting into the heads of people. If anyone would be able to trick him though, it would be Light. The man’s eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, as he created the plot inside of his head.

“The lack of power will make my cell door unlock, but I can’t do much of anything with these.” Light continued, bringing up his hands to show off his handcuffs.

“That won't be an issue, I still have my handcuff key, but Light…” Matsuda hesitated. “I have no idea how to do something like that, it uh, wasn’t exactly in training.”

He was sure that his face was flushed in embarrassment, and a drop of sweat rolled down his cheek. He wanted to be honest, of course. It was the only way that the plan that they were delicately creating together could work. At the same time though, Matsuda didn’t want Light to lose complete faith with him. He didn’t know what he would do if Light decided against it, if he thought that it wasn’t going to work because of his own incompetence.

Light face did twinge with the slightest hint of annoyance, and Matsuda felt his stomach drop. It was gone as soon as it had been there though. Light’s expression didn’t give anything other than blankness, it was his eyes. They shone so intensely, and Matsuda felt like he would be dragged down further and further into them the more he looked. This was quite literally life or death for Light, if they were caught, L would probably have him sent to his execution right then and there. Not to mention the potential punishment that Matsuda himself could face, losing his job would be the least of his worries.

_It doesn’t matter._ He thought. _It wasn’t like I could continue being a cop after this without getting a bad taste in my mouth, anyway._

“Don’t worry.” Light’s voice was firm with resolve, and Matsuda felt oddly comforted by it. “I know just what to do, however, you are going to need to listen to me, very, very carefully…”

 

<>

 

Matsuda thought he would feel regret. After all, he was conspiring against his own coworkers, his friends. Hell, he was betraying his own morals, wasn’t he? He was helping, no, _saving_ a potential murderer. It certainly wasn’t what he had predicted his life would go, when he was twenty-one and fresh from the academy. That had been when he had met Soichiro too, he remembered with a twinge of guilt. The chief would no doubt be ashamed, this wasn’t what cops were supposed to do.

 

_But I’m not a cop anymore, I can’t be._

 

Perhaps it was a byproduct of being young and naive, as his coworkers often said. Matsuda had personally never agreed with the death penalty, but rules were rules. There had to be exceptions though, right? Somewhere to draw the line. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to hate Kira either, despite the fact that he had known that what he was doing was wrong. The motive was understandable, so clear. No one would go to such an extent if it really was for their own self-benefit, right?

Sure, there had been that creepy Higuchi guy, but that was different. His number of kills was a far less amount, and almost always connected to him. Hell, the only reason he killed criminals was, as the shinigami had said, to keep his cover as Kira. Matsuda had met death row criminals, and had arrested many himself. There was nothing he could do, it was just the way that the system worked. Yet when he found out about their deaths in the news, he would get a deep sick feeling in his stomach. As if he had killed them himself somehow.

Matsuda knew, of course, that most of the time that they had brought it upon themselves. There was almost always a reason, not that it made the act of killing another human being reasonable. Soichiro had told him that it got easier with experience, and to a small extent, it was true. The pain was still there, but it was more subdued, and easier to push down the nausea. He had thought that Kira would be different, that him being by far the worst case that he had ever seen would make it easier. If anything, it made it even worse.

 

_Light_.

 

It was the first time that a case had made him cry. Real tears, the type of sobs that wracked his body and blinded his vision. This was so much different, this was a person that he knew, that he was friends with. Light was so idealistic as a person, always speaking out against what he thought as wrong. Yet as often as that angry fire would make his eyes burn, there would also be a pure glee that would enter his face when they had solved something on the case. All of that, it had to have been real, right?

He was far from being the best at sorting out the good people from the bad, and Light was no doubt skilled at manipulation. He doubted that the young man could hold onto a mask like that without slipping up once, for so long though. Hell, even when his own father had held a gun to his head, he had not resorted back to some hidden evil side of himself. He was just… Light. L had said that the first kill had been a test, but Matsuda felt something inside himself stirr thinking back on that now. Was that really true?

It was that doubt, that suspicion that he had in the back of his mind, that made him cave. Not the sole fact that he knew and still cared about Light, though that certainly made it easier. What if it hadn’t been a test, what if it had been an _accident?_ After all, there was no way that Light could have known that it would work. He wasn’t the religious type, and he doubted that a shinigami would have bothered going to him beforehand.

There was good in him, he knew it. Light wasn’t some soulless monster, like L had made him out to be. He couldn’t be, or else he wouldn’t have been so keen on catching Kira, even if his memories had been gone at that point. He had just made a mistake that had sent him down a bad path, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t _change_. It wasn’t as if his amnesiac self had been a separate person, he had just lost the memory of that mistake.

Matsuda had parked his car at a gas station, and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He thought that he would miss it, even though it was an old, busted up thing that he had barely had to use due to the subway. It was just odd to think that he wouldn’t drive it again after a few days. Having to slowly drain his bank account and turn it all to cash had been exhausting, and he’d had to hide a lot of it under his mattress depression-era style.  It wasn’t as if he could simply take out every single dollar he had in one big withdraw, that would be obvious and would put up serious red flags for L.

But of course, that wouldn’t even be the hardest part. Actually carrying it out would be much, much more risky. He had to put faith in Light’s judgment though, after all, if he was Kira, he would have survived against L for over a year. He let out a shaky breath, letting his eyes roam over the bus schedules in his phone. Light had said morning would be ideal, as even though it gave them a greater risk of being seen, hardly any building outside of L’s own skyscraper had cameras outside. Even that would be easy enough to thwart with a simple hoodie, not to mention the chaos of the fire would allow them to slip into the crowd.

Matsuda breathed deeply, and left his car. He entered the gas station, searching for the correct isle. It would be better if he was able to shred the wire, but doing so while the power was on would be suicidal. Though Light had said that it would be possible with outer wires, something discrete like a table lamp or something of that nature. A screwdriver and a lighter was all he needed, Light had said. Which Disturbed Matsuda the more he thought about it. Where the hell had Light learned that kind of stuff? Had he made a bomb or something?

The lighter was easy to find, and it was a rather nice one at that. It was made of steel and it was square in shape, like something his dad used to have. A screwdriver would have been ideal, but there was no way that L would let one through the metal detector. A coin would be a good enough substitute, if a little bit harder to grip. Matsuda grabbed the lighter, and headed towards the register, stopping to grab a candy bar. Even though he was an adult, he still had his guilty pleasures. He was probably more glad to leave the gas station than he had ever been to leave anywhere, and that was saying something.

Matsuda began to walk towards the safety of his car, clutching his purchases in his hand. He wanted nothing more than to go home and decompress for awhile, before heading back to ‘work’. He would really benefit from being able to push this whole mess away from his mind for awhile, probably from a good nap. The upside was that he would be able to speak to Light again once he brought him dinner. That always seemed to be the highlight of his day, recently.

“Matsuda!”

Matsuda jumped, nearly dropping his bag. “A-Aizawa-san!"

The older man looked concerned, if Matsuda was being honest. It looked odd on the man’s face, since he himself had seen him use that expression so rarely. Usually, Aizawa just tended to get irritated when things went wrong, and would yell at someone, which was usually him. Matsuda smiled sheepishly, clasping his hands together and mentally preparing to be yelled at. He was sure that he hadn’t done anything to disgruntle his coworker recently, but well, he couldn’t take chances.

“I waved at you but you didn’t notice me.” Aizawa said, surprising him. “I wasn’t expecting to run into you.”

“Oh, sorry.” Matsuda replied, blushing and running a hand through his hair. “I’m kind of eager to get home.”

It did feel a bit odd to speak to him outside of work, and he felt out of his element because of it. They had been partners for a few cases, but Aizawa, by far having the seniority, took charge for most of them. It wasn’t like his relationship with Soichiro, where he had been take under the man’s wing. Soichiro he had actually met up with outside of work fairly often, well, barely nowadays. It hurt a bit to think about, the chief was his mentor, and kept hidden within his mind, a father figure as well.

Aizawa paused, looking down at Matsuda's hand with an incredulous expression. Matsuda went very, very still. That was the look Aizawa got when he interrogated a criminal, and it had never been used on him before. His heart began to hammer inside of his chest, had Aizawa figured him out, somehow? 

"Are you smoking?" 

Matsuda was caught off guard by that. "W-What?" 

"You bought a lighter." Aizawa elaborated, before looking a bit guilty. "Shit, I'm the one that got you hooked, aren't I?" 

"Oh, don't feel bad! Really, it's just a small habit." Matsuda stammered, but inwardly felt relief. 

He was lucky that Aizawa had been the one to come up for the explanation for the lighter. it saved him the trouble of having to explain it himself, and he wouldn't call himself a seasoned liar. He couldn't remember the last time he had smoked, honestly. He figured it must have been during a night out with one of his coworkers, as that was the only time he did it. He wasn't overly fond of it, but it was mostly because of the smell. It smelled god awful and always stuck into his clothes. Luckily for him though, he still had a half-empty pack at home, stashed in one of his bedside tables. 

"Hey." Aizawa said. "Do you... mind if I talk to you about something?" 

_What?_

"Um, yeah, go ahead." Matsuda was unable to hide his confusion. 

Aizawa fidgeted, looking uncomfortable. “The case has been really hard on all of us. Losing Ukita was… honestly one of the worst days of my life. I know losing Light is… is going to be hard too. I know we tend to rag on you a lot Matsuda, L especially. I just um… wanted to say this for a while. We don’t hate you, or do it as a personal attack, and we still value you as part of the team.” The man actually looked sheepish. “Sorry if this seems like this is coming out of nowhere.”

“...No, it’s fine.” Matsuda replied, taking a moment to find his voice. “I understand, even though I’m not sure that’s… Nevermind.” He coughed, nervously rubbing the back of his head. “I’m not mad, or anything.”

Aizawa looked relieved. “You’ve always been such a nice guy, I should have figured you wouldn’t think about it that way.”

_Yeah,_ Matsuda thought, staring down at the pavement. _That’s me._

“Well, feel free to talk to me, okay?” Aizawa continued at Matsuda’s lack of response, likely not wanting for their to be an awkward silence between the two.

“I will.”

Aizawa, seemingly satisfied with their conversation, waved him goodbye before going back to his business. Matsuda watched him leave for a moment, feeling an odd sort of nostalgia. This would probably be the last real conversation that the two of them would have, and Aizawa didn’t even know it. He felt a little bit guilty that he wouldn’t be able to tell him, if he was being honest with himself. He had made hard choices before, though. Sometimes you had to make sacrifices. 

When he was able to sit back down in his car seat, he sagged with relief. Never before had a cheap cloth seat felt so comfortable. He set the lighter and candy bar into his cup holder, taking a moment to just let himself breath. Matsuda had known, of course, that saving Light would mean getting rid of everything else. He had accepted that a long time ago, and certainly wasn’t going to give up. He buried his face in his hands, pressing his forehead against the steering wheel. It certainly didn’t stop it from hurting, though.

 

It hurt more than anything else in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! <3 I focused a bit more on Matsuda since he deserves more love. Operation: save Kira husbando next chapter

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you liked it! <3 This fandom needs way more MatsuLight content honestly. There is no universe where Light is not being a shady bitch, haha.


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